I like sex. A lot. I mean, it’s rare you come across someone who likes sex more than me. And when I found out that Kale (with a capital K) could kill you—or rather, will kill you—I had more sex than ever to deal with the deep, deep depression that began to haunt my every waking moment and every dream.

My friend said Kale said to her once that if she used Kale that Kale would kill her, and this is how I found out about its deadly intent. If you think that story isn’t convincing enough about Kale’s murderous intent, then I challenge you to search on the internet about it.

To be honest, I don’t even use Kale. That doesn’t preclude me from being terrified of it. Of course I heard about it a few times. I think I drank Essence of Kale once in a ginger, blackberry smoothie, but that was a dark green color so I’m not sure that Kale was even in it.

WHAT IS KALE

Things I know about Kale:

• It is named after Superman, Kal-El (obviously)
• It can kill you

I think I saw people using Kale at a party once, but I was too shy to ask about it. I know it was really popular from 2010 to 2012, but I heard since 2015 it’s more of an authentic experience.

If someone could please write in and let me know what Kale is exactly, I would appreciate it so that I could avoid dying. Thank you.