Here’s the sitch, playboy.
You’ve got a new bae, and she’s socially conscious enough to know that ‘bae’ is African-American Vernacular English, and she gave you a right tongue-lashing the night you said it – even though you were saying it #ironically – and let me tell you, that wasn’t the tongue-lashing you were hoping for that night.
She still knows you’re a male feminist: after all, you love going down! But you gotta watch your behaviour, which is tricky when you wanna get dirtay.
Now you wanna show her your cock on a quiet afternoon when you should both be slaving at the edifice of neoliberal capitalism we normalise with the name ‘work’. Buuuuuut you know that dick pics are the exact kind of retrograde trash that a real ally wouldn’t deploy, an invasion of women’s spaces with a literal expression of phallocentric misandry.
But she DOES like the D. Your D.
How do we cut this Gordian Knot?
[is there a gif of a dick getting a bone that smashes through a knot? if not can we pay someone to make one? come on that’d get TONS of use on socials]
Two bad boy options for my good boys.
The Feminist Text
‘Hey you, just reading my copy of [insert classic work here] and I started thinking about you. I dunno why. Maybe all this rigorous unpicking of the gender binary got me feeling okay about my own femininity … and women are allowed to be horny now.’
Then, lay your dick sensitively on the cover of a work like Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex, aiming directly at the word ‘sex’. This will trigger a complex association in her horny brain, where ‘Sex’ and ‘Your dick’ are now linked.
Or try Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf. Nothing says ‘I know where the clit is’ like a photo of you with this book.
You don’t even need to read it.
There’s something so sexy about a man confident enough with his masculinity to touch the word ‘vagina’ in public. Who cares what’s inside? [It’s the cervix, whoa! I know what’s going on.]
VLADTIP: This works best with a semi – you don’t want her to think you’ve been jacking it to The Handmaid’s Tale.
VLADTIPMAXXED: Don’t feel bad about not finishing de Beauvoir. No man has finished that book. It still works. Is it our fault for being underread, or women’s fault for not having read it either so they can’t test us? PSYCH! It’s both, because equality. As I like to say, we’re all fucked – so why don’t we all fuck?
The Whimsical Gesture
Con: This one takes AGES.
Pro: It’s a dick pic she’ll save and talk about with her friends, which means she’s talking about your dick, which is literally the only reason I have sex.
Dress your dick up as a famey leftie.Is the cold-whitened shaft Jeremy Corbyn in a sweater? Is the meaty cockhead balding Bernie? IT’S YOUR CALL. You can do this with a bit of felt (crafternoon!) or a bit of squiggling on Snapchat. And trust me, you want the screenshot.
This will get more of a giggle than a gusher, but it’s worth it! You’re not just a big fucker – you’re funny! Now she connects progressive politics, smiling, and your dick, a Bermuda Triangle of Terrific.
Just wait til she goes to her next rally – I bet you’ll get a lip bite selfie while her other fist is raised.
Now get out there and fuck the patriarchy!